Harry addresses Canadian real estate professionals for $499 a pop about "service and leadership"—two concepts he abandoned when he quit royal duties. Meghan's Netflix holiday special drops to catastrophic reviews: Independent gives it one star, Telegraph calls it "quite mad and a little bit sad," Daily Mail awards zero stars citing "syrupy hypocrisy and deep lack of self-awareness." Harry's first speaking part on the show? Slagging off a salad. Tina Brown delivers brutal assessment: "I have never seen anybody make as many mistakes as Meghan has, and Harry is not the brightest bulb either. They are pariahs everywhere."

BREAKING: Meghan's father Thomas Markle undergoes emergency leg amputation in Philippines ICU—blood clot turned his foot "blue and then black." His son pleads: "My only wish is that Meghan shows my father some compassion. He is literally fighting for his life." Meghan's spokesman declines to comment. As Tom Sykes writes: "Inconveniently, as the Duchess urged viewers to craft sentimental ornaments and lean into family, her father was lying in ICU after three-hour emergency operation, without any contact from her." Harry appears on Colbert making Trump jokes: "I hear you elected a king." Meghan promotes $12 chocolate bars on Instagram as father fights for life. Andrew formally stripped of final honours—Order of the Garter and Royal Victorian Order cancelled, names "erased from the Register." Demands £75 million to leave Royal Lodge.

William and Kate front-center for German state visit—functioning as "present monarchy" while Charles undergoes treatment. Kate prepares "love in all its forms" carol concert for tonight. Plus: Deep Crown on transactional compassion, terrible Netflix reviews, and the week brand management overtook basic human decency.

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